Responding to Break-Ups with Love

Two mornings ago, my fiance (who also lives with me) broke up with me. What’s a Peace-Love-Joy Goddess to do? It wasn’t very surprising actually, as things have been going downhill for some time now, and an ending felt inevitable. In fact, I’d been receiving guidance to end the relationship on and off over the last several months.

So why didn’t I break up with him earlier on, when I’d had the guidance? Oh, I could give a laundry list of reasons, including: I didn’t want to be the dumper yet again as I really don’t like hurting people, our lives have become very intertwined with mutual friends/events/groups/etc., worries about how my son would take it, worries about how my family and our mutual friends would take it, financial worries, and of course still feeling love for him. Further, we share some really important things in common like values, worldview, and life mission, many interests, many quirks, we have a nearly identical silly and at times obscene sense of humor, and we’ve had some really amazing times together- Amazing moments of connection and intimacy, moments of truth, realization and mysticism.

In truth, I’d never reached such high heights in any other relationship. But unfortunately, I also had never experienced so much stress and heartbreak in a relationship either. There comes a point where you have to ask yourself if the stress and pain is worth it. When the painful times start to become more predominant than the good times, that’s a pretty good signal it’s time to part ways, or at least seek therapy/have a major discussion and/or make significant changes in the relationship (all of which we tried, save the therapy, but didn’t do the trick).

Though I can look at this in retrospect and see that the relationship was not serving me for long before we broke up, I also can’t help but feel like we stayed together for as long as we were supposed to be together. I learned and grew an incredible amount throughout the duration of our relationship and I know he did as well. We grew as individuals and we grew as partners and we have both become much wiser and stronger from our time together as a couple.

Sometimes we grow the most through conflict and struggle. If we work through the conflict and struggle rather than denying or repressing it, we can learn and grow rather rapidly. That’s what we did over all the time we were together. But now, the time is ripe for us to move on, explore other avenues, start a new chapter in our lives.

Though I can see clearly why he was not a good partner for me, I still very much love him and think of him as a great person, teacher, and friend. Even knowing that we are best off not together in the long run, I know there will be a grieving period. Grieving of the loss of the love we shared (no matter how seldom that expression of love became in the last months) and grieving of the loss of him in my life. Though I am a proponent of staying friends after being in a relationship, he is very opposed to the idea. I can’t make someone be my friend, so I guess I will just have to accept it. Fortunately, I do realize that the connection we shared goes beyond the physical and that even if I do not see him anymore, I can still feel his energy/love and send him energy/love. That’s one good thing about being connected to your spirit/source- you can see the higher truth that we are never separate from each other even when the physical senses tell us otherwise.

Some powerful tools that can help one through the loss of a relationship:

Remember that all relationships and people who come into our lives do so for a reason. Each person is sent our way to aid our learning and growth. Each person brings a lesson or multiple lessons to you. What did you learn about yourself from being in this relationship? How can you be a better partner the next time around? Be grateful for the learning, growth, and lessons that you received for having this person in your life!

-Remember that even when we physically part ways with another person, we are still connected. If we connect to our heart/spirit, we can feel the heart/spirit of the other and tune into the love that connects us and the highest truths surrounding our time together.

-There’s no point in playing the blame game or going over in your head what you/the other person did wrong or how this breakup could have been prevented. It happened, it just is, and it couldn’t have happened any other way. How can I say that? Because it didn’t. Accept the reality of the situation and look at all of the positive things you got out of your time together.

-If you feel sad/angry/overwhelmed/etc., give yourself permission to feel these feelings and to express them in a healthy way. Cry if you need a good cry. Scream into your pillow if you have too much pent up anger or write whatever you need to get off your chest in a journal. Talk to someone you can trust if you need some support or need to vent. Denying or repressing your feelings will only delay your process of healing and cause great tension to build up in you-likely leading to depression, anxiety, anger, and/or physical ailments to name a few things.

When you feel your energy getting low or feel yourself getting down, visualize love filling you up and surrounding you- you can see this as love from the universe, love from God, love from people you care about, it doesn’t matter- just do whatever you need to do to tune into the energy of love, and this will keep you connected to your heart. It can also be very helpful to visualize sending love to your former partner. It doesn’t matter if you’re still hurt, angry, or embittered; the more you send love to this person over time, the more quickly any negative feelings towards them will dissolve and thus the more quickly you can heal and move on with your life!

-Be prepared to nurture/pamper yourself a bit more than usual. I’m not saying you should order a large pepperoni pizza from Domino’s and eat a pint of Haagen Das, but nurture yourself in the ways that make you feel truly loved and revitalized. What really fills you up and makes your heart sing? Relaxing in the bubble bath? Drinking a hot cup of tea and reading a book? Going out dancing with some friends? Do more of this kind of stuff that nurtures your spirit.

-Stay active. It can be good to cancel some social engagements here and there if you’re really not feeling up to it, but you don’t want to overdo your solitude/grieving period either. One of the best ways to lift depressed feelings is to get some exercise. Your body craves movement anyway, and when you’re stressed, you likely have some dense/unhealthy energy built up in your body. Walking/running/dancing/swimming/etc. is a great way to raise your spirits and clear your chi. And of course, stay connected to your other friends and loved ones. Most often, we have more free time after ending a relationship, so if you find you start to get lonely, spend time with friends more often or join new groups/clubs to make new friends. An amazing, easy way to meet like-minded people is to join a meetup group or start your own (check out meetup.com).

-Know that the universe/God wouldn’t throw anything your way that you can’t handle. There is a higher meaning for this breakup that you are meant to learn and grow from. It may not feel easy at times, but in the end, you will be better off for not being in this relationship. You have an opportunity here to come into yourself more fully, getting more clear on who you are, what you want, and what you don’t want in a partner/your life.

In conclusion, breakups do not have to feel like the end of the world. Though breakups may bring with them some pain and heartache, they do not have to leave us angry, depressed, or resentful. We can allow our feelings to move through us rather than suppressing them or identifying with them (i.e. telling everyone your sob story and looking for pity/feeling sorry for yourself). Rather than viewing breakups as an inherently negative thing, we can think of breakups as a fresh start to reinvent ourselves and our lives. The mind may argue and tell you to be afraid of the unknown (the stem of most all of our fears), but the unknown does not have to be scary. With the right eyes, the unknown can be an extremely rewarding, fun, beautiful adventure.

And that’s how I choose to see this chapter of my life: a new adventure with unlimited potential for positive change and growth.

In love,

Robyn

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